The OFFICIAL Random thread

[SteelHeadz]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Jake the Wonder Dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

Anyway, since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

 

[southtj]

:grin::grin:

 

[TJ_Jeep]

How much wood can a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? If a wood chuck could chuck wood it would chuck as much wood as a wood chuck could

man say that..... just try to say it fast lol

 

[wrangler_x03]

man its cold here temp outside is -15 f with a high today at -5

 

[Collin the Hen]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Jake the Wonder Dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

Anyway, since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

:funny: :rofl:

 

[B'ham Jeeper]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Jake the Wonder Dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

Anyway, since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

:funny::funny::funny::funny::rofl::rofl:

SteelHeadz your PM has been marked not to accept...

 

[SteelHeadz]

:funny::funny::funny::funny::rofl::rofl:

SteelHeadz your PM has been marked not to accept...

HUH? What the heck?

 

[SteelHeadz]

Humor for the Thinking Person
(For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.)

1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6) If I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" would I defeat the purpose.
7) What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8) If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10) Is there another word for synonym?
11) Where do Forest Rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20) How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21) What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22) One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23) Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24) Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25) How is it possible to have a civil war?
26) If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27) If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28) If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29) Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30) Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
31) Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32) Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33) If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34) Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
35) Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 

[CJ2YJ]

Wow.. that was alot of thinkin!!:arrow::scratch::?|:rofl:

 

[avan]

The last picture taken of my aunty Sue,

 

[SteelHeadz]

The last picture taken of my aunty Sue,

:lol::lol::lol: That's just wrong in many ways. That big cat looks a bit confused though.:lol::lol:

 

[SteelHeadz]

Uncle Paul...
This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause."Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that > >>Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."Okay Daddy, just a minute."A minute later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."And what happened honey?"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"Oh my!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."***Long Pause*** > >> > >>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-5731?"

 

[TJ_Jeep]

19) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

I wonder these things too. The other day i was pumping gas in ol' mean green and i noticed there was Braille on the gas pump! :shock:

 

[SteelHeadz]

I wonder these things too. The other day i was pumping gas in ol' mean green and i noticed there was Braille on the gas pump! :shock:

Let me know when you find the answer.

 

[TJ_Jeep]

Let me know when you find the answer.

I guess if you had a blind friend with you, you could tell them to pump your gas lol, but instead of putting gas in the gas tank they put it in the coolant and a few miles down the road... BOOOOM!

 

[SteelHeadz]

Ole & Sven
>
>
> --- Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a
> cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
>
> 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into
> his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
>
> 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his
> hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
>
> 'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
>
> 'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
>
> 'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
>
> 'Could I see him?'
>
> Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
>
>
> Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
> master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
>
> 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
>
> So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
>
> The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there
> waiting for his million bucks.
>
> Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
> ducks....flying directly overhead.
>
> Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,
> I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
>
> Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing.
> Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
>
:lol::lol::lol:

 

[TJ_Jeep]

Ole & Sven
>
>
> --- Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a
> cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
>
> 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into
> his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
>
> 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his
> hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
>
> 'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
>
> 'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
>
> 'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
>
> 'Could I see him?'
>
> Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
>
>
> Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
> master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
>
> 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
>
> So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
>
> The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there
> waiting for his million bucks.
>
> Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
> ducks....flying directly overhead.
>
> Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,
> I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
>
> Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing.
> Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
>
:lol::lol::lol:

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: :funny::funny::funny::funny::funny:

 

[freedomfly]

Go steelers

 

[SteelHeadz]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.



"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.



The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."



At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."



Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"



Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."



The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008."

 

[B'ham Jeeper]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
So, I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started....
****
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
****
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".
And then the fight started.....
****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started ...

****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.....
****
I rear-ended a car this morning.So,there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!He stormed over to my car, looked up at me,and shouted,"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started.....
****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started.....