Laughter.... the color of life

[prariepunk]

Oops

A blonde was shopping and came across a silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

“That’s a Thermos,” the clerk said. “It keeps some things hot and some things cold.”

“Wow,” said the blonde. “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!”

So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

“What do you have there?” he asked.

“Why, that’s a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.

Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”

The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”

 

[felix_santi]

Bored in a mental institution
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?", asked the zoophile.

"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked, "So, what's it gonna be?"

He replies, "Meow."


______________
cool Pics
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tags/cameratoss/interesting/

They set a camera on long exposure then toss it in the air near a light source.

______________
Ticketed by the FaThis woman has no fashion sense at all.

I mean, c'mon: green shoes with a blue totebag?


www.averagjoe.com/1015f

Fashion Police
_________
Husbands...we try hard
But some stuff just doesn't make sense to us.

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst beer is normal.

_________
While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.
She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs, and you play the fiddle."

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed and to their amazement, she began playing the fiddle with great natural skill.
She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health. So she went back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.

While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until she lets rip a humongous batch of anal air. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.

She goes back and puts another quarter in the machine. Out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw around with for months, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to go at it like rutting pigs.

The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read:

"Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs. You've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."

_____________

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering,

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they call 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep Inside the cave, so He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call,

"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN.

An atheist is swimming in the ocean. Suddenly, he sees a shark so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat. As he looks back, he sees the shark head toward him. As he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

Time is frozen and a bright light shines from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Confused, the man replies, "It's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "Asking for a lot, even for me, but I'll try" and the light retracts into the heavens. As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark closing down on him again. But suddenly, miraculously, the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its huge head and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this food which I am about to receive..."


___________

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through
three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

__________
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet
and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh ! my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window - It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So
the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had
run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as
best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been
catching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the
nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!"! he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so
wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?" Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That
way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go
home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always
wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining

 

[judge09]

just when its raining...hahaha

 

[prariepunk]

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR
ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Dec. 19,
2005

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF
THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8
PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step,
with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of
Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and
The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into
The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your
Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking
In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful
To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for
2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She
Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother
and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing
Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy ---
Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other
Important Dates
and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies
Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for
2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas
will be issued to the survivors.

 

[prariepunk]

INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:



If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be
worth

$49.00.
-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O


With Enron,

you would have had

$16.50

left of the original $1,000.00.

-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O



With WorldCom,

you would have had less than

$5.00 left.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-


But, if you had purchased $1,000.00



worth of Beer one year ago,

drank all the beer,

then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had

$214.00.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Based on the above,



current investment advice is to





drink heavily and
recycle.



It's called the 401-Keg Plan

 

[prariepunk]

A man's boat capsizes in the middle of the ocean. He washes up on a deserted island with nothing but the clothes on his back. He builds a small shelter and finds food and water, but he misses civilization more with each passing day.

While walking on the beach one day, he sees a beautiful woman emerge from the ocean wearing a scuba tank and a wetsuit. She says, "You look like you could use a smoke." She unzips a pocket on one arm of her wetsuit, pulls a Cuban cigar from inside, and hands it to the man. The man smokes slowly, and tells her that it is the finest cigar that he has ever smoked.

"How about a drink?" the woman asks. She unzips another pocket, reaches in, and pulls out a small flask. "It's a 17-year-old, single malt scotch, aged in oak," the woman tells him. The man is almost beside himself with joy as he sips the drink.

The woman then begins unzipping the front of her wetsuit. "Want to play around?" she asks.

"Jesus Christ!" the man says. "You have a set of golf clubs in there too?"

 

[Saurian]

This is cool... Gets to the point where you actually forget you're hearing human voices...

http://www.jokaroo.com/funnyvideos/nintendoacapella.html

 

[JeepMonkey]

Ain't this the truth?

If that outhouse was surrounded by sand I'd swear you were here!

 

[Sparky-Watts]

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck… "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell.............. pregnant when you met her."

:lol:

 

[felix_santi]

This is what happens when you don't stop to think before sending that insulting e-mail

http://members.westnet.com.au/kez57/slap.gif

_____________
A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he
realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl
if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size
condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop
his pants.
He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over
the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us,
was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the
checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she
could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size,
and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said,
"One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen
was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with
a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the
register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what
size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he
did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the
intercom and said.....................

(You'll love this one)

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"Cleanup, Register 5" -----

______________
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.


___________________
Job Schizophrenia

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

_____________
Supposedly this commercial was pulled

http://www.ejbdotcom.net/content/54.html

______________
By counting the rings in the log, scientists have determined that Bob's ass is 187 years old.

http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i240/JethrOH/000trucktree.jpg
_________________
Monkey LOGIC
http://iacs5.ucsd.edu/~pbang/dance_monkeys.htm
_____________

 

[felix_santi]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

puzzle
http://members.westnet.com.au/kez57/PUZZLES/~4HURL/02.html
____________
These two guys had both just gone through ugly divorces and they
swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They
were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far
north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him,
"Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's
supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the
hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and
you might need this."

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life! Women are
nothing but trouble."

The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you
don't use them I'll refund your money next year.

"Okay," they said and left.

The following year this guy came into the trader's store and said

"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him." said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board!"



___________________
A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his
day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes
home!!!", says the mom.

A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to
your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told
her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just
don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now,
about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my boy! Ya know what? I'm so
proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny
bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest,
shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?"
Asks dad.

The boy replied, "Nah, my rear is still sore."



______________
It's that time of year again. These are the winners of a New York magazine contest in which contestants take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.



HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS - Can you ride a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail.

VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered

COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore I waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish.

QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal.

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The king is dead. No kidding.

PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown.

MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old.

FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat.

HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food.

VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO - Fast retort.

ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know.

VISA LA FRANCE Don't leave your chateau without it.

AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend.

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here.

COGITO, ERGO SPUD - I think, therefore I yam. (OK, more than one letter)

VENI, VIDI, VELCRO - I came, I saw, I stuck around. (OK, another exception)

ICH BIT EIN BERLINER - He deserved it.

ZITGEIST - The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.

E PLURIBUS ANUM - Out of any group, there's always one a*****e.



____________
The difference between the best golfers...
....and bad golfers

Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he
played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice
failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in
a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."

"I guess not," said Dave, "What the hell do they have to swear about?”



________________
DEAR DIARY

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much
to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding
night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's
impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know.
Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he
actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday,
I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market
that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him
that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were
on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced
his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other
than his mood.

Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's
doing that.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like
a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But,
have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been
so happy.

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday,
instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a
weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take
so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra
down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky
all over....

Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with
a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued
to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning
my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me!
Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's
like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk
and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill
the b*****d.

Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working.
I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to
make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to
everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and
our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told
him to go and f**k himself and he did.

Day 16.
The b*****d has started to complain about headaches. I hope
the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try
stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.

Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front
of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and
expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.



____________

 

[mud4feet]

For any musicians out there:


A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The Defendant

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels

Q: What is the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind-driven, manually-operated pitch approximator.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.


Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic

Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman

Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
A: The drummer


Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Q: How do you get a bass player off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Glissando: A technique adopted by harp players for difficult runs.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' again tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz it up'?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 7/8 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She exclaims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

 

[Sparky-Watts]

For any musicians out there:


A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The Defendant

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels

Q: What is the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind-driven, manually-operated pitch approximator.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.


Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic

Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman

Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
A: The drummer


Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Q: How do you get a bass player off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Glissando: A technique adopted by harp players for difficult runs.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' again tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz it up'?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 7/8 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She exclaims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

:rofl: :grin: :funny:

 

[Sparky-Watts]

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One
from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go
with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor
takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some
figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee
contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do
this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit
for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers: "$2,700." The official,
incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did
you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," the Jerseyian explains,
"$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Tennessee."

 

[prariepunk]

Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..."

 

[prariepunk]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F**KIN' GOING!"

 

[prariepunk]

Moles

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."

 

[prariepunk]

Gorilla Removers

A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!

 

[prariepunk]

Roy the Rooster

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

 

[prariepunk]

Zookeeper

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.

The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”