Best Holiday Joke
- Thread starter Natty
- Start date
Tug-n-pull
New member
1047557
A Slighty very drunk businessman get on an elevator carring some packages going up to his high rise apartment. Suddenly and with out notice he passes a bit of gas very harsh I might add. Very next floor a Nunn gets on the elevator and between the gas and gin she is all tore up. "Sir you are drunk and very rude!" (alot like me hehehe) "and just look at you here on Christmas eve."" How did you get into this shape! " The busnessman straighten up up right proper and remarks with a slur "Mam you just due not (heckup) know what I have to deal with" he points to the packages stagers and proceeds " In these three boxes I have very nice gifts, In this one he slurs I have a gold and diamond tennis braclet for my wife almost 900.00 bucks dearie, This one has a stupid vidio game for my stinking rotten silly a$$ed 16 year old son! and this one is for my daughter it is a tootoo and some stupid old danceing shoes to go along with her expencive dance lessons!" he stumbles back and as he guzzles the bottom out of his gin bottle that up untill now was hidden in his coat, gasses the place once more for good mesure and say's " You know what I will get this Christmas? Two white shirts and a piece of @$& and they will all three be two sizes to big" Merry Christmas Tug[addsig]
A Slighty very drunk businessman get on an elevator carring some packages going up to his high rise apartment. Suddenly and with out notice he passes a bit of gas very harsh I might add. Very next floor a Nunn gets on the elevator and between the gas and gin she is all tore up. "Sir you are drunk and very rude!" (alot like me hehehe) "and just look at you here on Christmas eve."" How did you get into this shape! " The busnessman straighten up up right proper and remarks with a slur "Mam you just due not (heckup) know what I have to deal with" he points to the packages stagers and proceeds " In these three boxes I have very nice gifts, In this one he slurs I have a gold and diamond tennis braclet for my wife almost 900.00 bucks dearie, This one has a stupid vidio game for my stinking rotten silly a$$ed 16 year old son! and this one is for my daughter it is a tootoo and some stupid old danceing shoes to go along with her expencive dance lessons!" he stumbles back and as he guzzles the bottom out of his gin bottle that up untill now was hidden in his coat, gasses the place once more for good mesure and say's " You know what I will get this Christmas? Two white shirts and a piece of @$& and they will all three be two sizes to big" Merry Christmas Tug[addsig]
PASmokeater
New member
1047567
Okay..here it goes.....
(new paragraph)
A little girl is sitting on Santa's lap when Santa asks her what she wants for Christmas. The little girl says "I want a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe doll." " I thought Barbie came with Ken." Santa asked. The little girl replied "No, she comes with G.I. Joe, she just fakes it with Ken." lol I tried Rob
[addsig]
Okay..here it goes.....
(new paragraph)
A little girl is sitting on Santa's lap when Santa asks her what she wants for Christmas. The little girl says "I want a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe doll." " I thought Barbie came with Ken." Santa asked. The little girl replied "No, she comes with G.I. Joe, she just fakes it with Ken." lol I tried Rob
jeepmaster
New member
1047598
haha that was a naughty one PASmoker[addsig]
haha that was a naughty one PASmoker[addsig]
bigTlilODD
New member
1047821
Ok, this one will sleigh you
Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
[addsig]
Ok, this one will sleigh you
Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
[addsig]
bigTlilODD
New member
1047822
To: All Holiday Participants
Re: Chrismukah
Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions,
it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and
Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been
in the works about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that
the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days
of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining
forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently
high-quality service during the fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the
new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the
agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be
replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the
message on the dreidel will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff
happens."
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa
Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering
their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least
three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could
leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for
dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally
declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain
the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by
leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye
Faithful."
[addsig]
To: All Holiday Participants
Re: Chrismukah
Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions,
it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and
Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been
in the works about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that
the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days
of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining
forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently
high-quality service during the fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the
new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the
agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be
replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the
message on the dreidel will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff
happens."
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa
Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering
their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least
three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could
leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for
dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally
declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain
the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by
leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye
Faithful."
[addsig]
bigTlilODD
New member
1047823
Subject: The Office Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. We hope that this change does not offend anyone. [addsig]
Subject: The Office Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. We hope that this change does not offend anyone. [addsig]
